Confident before the move

Before moving to Japan from New Zealand, the author was mostly content with her appearance as a plus-size woman, having survived the body-image hurdles of early motherhood and rarely caring what others thought.

Visibility brings self-consciousness

After three years in Japan, being visibly non-Japanese made her feel more conspicuous than ever before. She often felt people were staring, making her hyper-aware of how she looked and scrutinizing parts of herself she had never thought about.

Body hair becomes an issue

After noticing how uncommon visible body hair seemed among locals, she became convinced she looked like a yeti in comparison and started shaving. An older woman openly stared at her legs and scoffed as she walked past.

Tattoos carry stigma

The author has a large tattoo on her calf. Tattoos in Japan carry a long-standing association with organized crime groups, and many bathhouses, swimming pools, gyms and other public facilities still restrict access for people with tattoos.

Clothes don't fit her frame

Back home, the author typically wears a US size sixteen to eighteen. In Japan, that generally puts her at around a three L or four L, sizes found mostly at select stores or online retailers. Much mainstream clothing caters to smaller, more petite proportions.

From skepticism to conformity

Growing up in rural New Zealand, she wore sweatpants and gumboots to the supermarket and rarely wore makeup. Moving to Japan exposed her to intense beauty culture, from skincare products to J-beauty trends, and she found herself questioning choices she had worn confidently for years.

Changes driven by insecurity and curiosity

She now wears makeup more frequently and has built a collection of viral Japanese beauty products. Some changes came from insecurity, others from curiosity, and she still hasn't fully untangled where one ends and the other begins.

Growth and insecurity arrive together

Living in Japan has pushed her to experiment with forms of self-expression she would have dismissed outright years ago, from makeup to feminine style elements. It has forced her to question how much of her self-image is truly hers and how much has been shaped by surrounding expectations.

“personal growth and insecurity are not always separate things. Sometimes they arrive together.”