A solo caregiver's situation

Angela Davis, sixty-five, lives in New Orleans with her eighty-seven-year-old mother who has dementia. Her mother's at-home care costs upward of seven thousand dollars a month. Davis is an only child.

The first warning signs

About eight or nine years ago, Davis noticed changes in her mother's behavior. Her mother missed exits while driving, called police about a dog that was home, and accused Davis of trying to steal her house and money.

A crisis and diagnosis

Davis's mother changed the locks on her house. When Davis couldn't reach her for three days, she broke in and found her mother on the floor. Her mother spent two weeks in hospital and was diagnosed with dementia in February twenty twenty-four.

Home care instead of facility

Davis briefly placed her mother in a facility, but it stated she needed additional services costing two thousand dollars more per month. Davis brought her mother home instead, where she has been ever since.

Daily dangers and costs

Davis's mother roams at night, rolled up paper to light for nicotine cravings, and fell a block from the house. The ambulance call cost four thousand dollars. Davis removed the knobs from her gas stoves for safety.

The financial breakdown

Her mother brings in three thousand two hundred dollars a month. Care costs about two thousand dollars monthly. House upkeep runs five thousand dollars a month for electricity, taxes, insurance, alarms, and her car. Davis covers the gap.

Work as survival

Davis continues working partly for her own mental well-being. She commutes forty miles one way, usually leaving by four thirty a.m. Work gets her out of the house and away from caregiving for a few hours.

The physical toll

Davis sleeps on a loveseat downstairs because her mother is up throughout the night. She usually wakes by four thirty a.m. to feed and walk two dogs and spend thirty to forty minutes getting her mother up and dressed.

Taking time for herself

Davis has taken trips to Jordan, Lebanon, Tunisia, and Rome with her son. She models for her child that you should not wait for a diagnosis to live. Her son has also helped by visiting from New York to assist with tasks.

“not waiting for the diagnosis to live. You live now.”

The emotional reality

Davis says even as a social worker, she is not the kind of caregiver who enjoys intimate care tasks. She has made clear her own wishes to not end up like her mother. She describes caregiving as death by one thousand cuts.

“death by 1,000 cuts, and in this case, you could say death by 1,000 memories every day.”