Thirty years, many blowouts

A reader in the South had a 30-year friendship with a man called Ben, full of ups and downs. Three years ago they had one of their periodic fights and stopped speaking.

“My friend "Ben" and I had many ups and downs in our 30-year friendship.”

He died, nobody called

Ben died about a year after the falling-out. The reader only found out recently, and no one from his life bothered to pass the news along.

An obituary that says nothing

The obituary turned up online but left out a cause of death. Ben was only in his early 50s, which makes the silence harder to sit with.

“The obituary I found online does not mention a cause of death.”

The letter came back

The reader wrote a condolence letter to Ben's widow. It was returned undelivered. She had moved away from the house she and Ben shared.

Facebook feels wrong

The reader found the widow's Facebook page but hesitated. Messaging a stranger online about how her husband died felt too cold for the subject.

“This seems an impersonal way of reaching out on such a sober topic.”

Ask the mutual friends

Abby's answer: work the shared network. Mutual friends can supply both the story and the widow's new address, and they can do it without ambushing her.

“A way to find out the information you're looking for, including his widow's address, might be through them.”

Do it privately

Approaching the widow online would land as off-putting and possibly hurtful, Abby says, especially given the two men were not on speaking terms when Ben died.

“To approach her online asking for the details of his death would be off-putting, insensitive and possibly hurtful.”

A birthday he dreads

A second reader turns 63 and has never liked the attention. His wife of nearly 38 years, their two sons and their partners are clearly planning something.

“I would prefer that the day be ignored.”

Spend it on charity

He would rather the money go to a good cause or back into their own pockets. His worry is that saying so out loud will cause bad feeling.

Name the charity

Abby tells him to speak up gently: tell his wife he knows something is planned, ask for small, and name the specific charity that should get the birthday budget.

“Tell her you know something is afoot, and gently mention that you would prefer that the celebration be kept small.”

If the party happens anyway

Should a big party materialize regardless, endure it with grace and a smile. The people throwing it are doing it out of love, not to torment him.

“Remember that these people are celebrating you because they love you.”

A crush at work

A married reader in Illinois has developed feelings for a co-worker of four years. They will not act on it, because cheating goes against their morals, but the guilt is heavy.

“I'm not going to pursue anything, because cheating is against my morals.”

Guilt is doing its job

Abby reframes it: the guilt is what has kept them from a terrible mistake. Crushes like this usually fade with time, even if the present feels uncomfortable.

“Crushes like this usually lessen in time.”

A note to readers

Abby closes with Rosh Hashanah wishes, a season of reflection and making amends. The column was founded in 1956 by Pauline Phillips.

“During this time of repentance, observant Jews reflect on their lives and make amends.”