Dating Feels Like a Failed Experiment

Spend enough time online and you could reasonably conclude dating is currently a failed social experiment.

Women Talk About Relationship Safety

Women are talking more openly about unequal emotional labor, relationship safety, and behaviors they won't tolerate anymore.

Suzanne Wallach Explains the Difference

Suzanne Wallach, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of SoCal DBT in Los Angeles, says there’s a difference between saying 'I’m no longer willing to accept a relationship that makes my life worse' and believing relationships with men inherently make women’s lives worse.

“There’s a difference between saying ‘I’m no longer willing to accept a relationship that makes my life worse or makes me unhappy,’ and believing that relationships with men inherently make women’s lives worse.”

Heteropessimism Grows Online

The rise of heteropessimism and the 'having a boyfriend is embarrassing' discourse make dating feel pretty fucking bleak.

Algorithm Shows You Pessimism

Your TikTok feed can show you an effectively endless stream of other people's pessimism about dating.

Engagement with Negative Content

Engaging with nightmare dates, cheating stories, and declarations that dating is hopeless increases the amount of negative content you see.

Your Feed Shows What Keeps You Watching

Your TikTok feed isn't showing reality; it's showing what keeps you watching.

Normal Dating Experiences Are Rare

Normal dating experiences make shitty content. Nobody rushes to TikTok to announce a perfectly pleasant date.

Brain Chemistry Isn't Changed

Repeated exposure doesn't change brain chemistry but shapes expectations, attention, and associations.

Expectations Create Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

If you expect dating to suck, you might behave differently and become hyper-vigilant about finding proof of disappointment.

“If I expect you to disappoint me, I’ll behave differently around you and become hyper-vigilant about finding behaviors that confirm my expectation, making me more guarded.”

Dating Pessimism Creates Feedback Loop

Dating pessimism shapes how we date, and our experiences reinforce the pessimism.

Your Algorithm Knows What Keeps You Scrolling

Your FYP knows what keeps you scrolling but doesn't know your actual dating life experiences.

“You don’t want your algorithm to have more influence over you than your actual life experiences.”