The DM problem is real

Instagram isn't technically a dating app, but it's how many people meet. Unlike dating apps, there's no built-in signal that someone wants to hear from you, making the first message feel high-stakes.

Create a hook, not small talk

Skip 'hey,' 'what's up,' or 'you're hot.' Those aren't conversation starters. Instead, look at their profile and ask a specific question about something they've posted.

“Don't send a throwaway message like 'hi,' 'what's up,' 'you're hot,' or 'thanks for accepting my friend request.'”

Find common ground first

Notice they post from a coffee shop you love? See their dog? Spot merch from your favorite team? Use it. A genuine connection point feels natural and gives them something real to respond to.

Ask for their advice

Request their opinion on something they've posted. When people give advice, they invest in you and are more likely to think about you later. It also gives you a reason to follow up.

“When you ask for someone's advice or insight, when they answer, they are actually investing in you.”

Then let it go

After you send your message, put the phone down. Engage fully in crafting it, but once it's sent, forget about it until they respond. Don't hold your breath waiting.

“Be all-in, unattached. Engage in your initial outreach and put effort into the comment and question. But once it's sent, forget about it.”

Use a playful icebreaker

Try 'two truths and a lie' or a quick 'pick one' question based on what you're already discussing. It keeps the conversation flowing without feeling forced.

“It fosters a fun and interactive atmosphere, encourages sharing, and provides an opportunity for participants to learn interesting facts about each other.”

Approach it with confidence

You're exploring mutual interest, not auditioning for their approval. The mindset should be 'I wonder if I'll like them' rather than 'I hope they like me.'

“You're interested to see if you're interested.”

Don't build them up

You don't know them yet, so avoid creating a fantasy version in your head. If they don't respond or respond coldly, that says more about them than you.

“You don't know them yet, so there's no reason to build them up in your mind and create a fantasy of how great they are in real life.”

Offer your number first

If the conversation is flowing and you want to move off Instagram, give them your number rather than asking for theirs. It takes pressure off and lets them decide.

“I'm really enjoying talking to you. Here's my number if you want to text me.”

Find a natural reason to meet

Use what you're already discussing as your opening. If you asked for restaurant recommendations, suggest going together. If you share a band obsession, there's your excuse.

Keep it low-key

Suggest coffee or another casual way to meet up. You don't need an elaborate reason if you're both clearly enjoying the conversation.

Accept any outcome

Sliding into DMs is shooting your shot. Sometimes it becomes a date, sometimes a fun conversation, sometimes nothing. But if the vibe seems mutual, find out where it goes.