One habit predicts breakups

Psychologist John Gottman studied hundreds of couples for decades and found one behavior that reliably predicts divorce: contempt. The Gottman Institute now calls it the number one predictor of relationship demise.

What contempt actually is

Contempt is a feeling of superiority over your partner, fueled by the belief that you're better than them. It manifests as attacks on their character, not just disagreements about behavior.

“Contempt is a feeling of superiority over one's partner.”

How contempt sounds

Contemptuous comments humiliate and degrade. Instead of 'I'm frustrated you were late,' a contemptuous partner says 'Are you ever going to learn how to tell time? I learned when I was 5.'

“Are you ever going to learn how to tell time? I learned when I was 5.”

Contempt without words

Eye-rolling, sneering, smirking, and scoffing all communicate contempt non-verbally. Even tilting your head back or turning your body away can signal superiority depending on context.

Contempt builds slowly

Contempt often emerges from unmet needs, accumulated hurt, or conflicts that never get resolved. When painful interactions stay unprocessed and misunderstood, contempt increases over time.

Betrayal sparks contempt

Contempt can emerge directly from betrayal: affairs, financial deceit, hidden addictions, and repeated lies all trigger feelings of betrayal that start a domino effect of contempt.

When one partner has no say

Extreme rigidity where one partner has no influence over decisions leads the other to feel powerless. Complaints about never getting a say slowly devolve into 'I can't stand you.'

Some people are prone to it

Some people bring contemptuous behavior into all their relationships, not just romantic ones. This tendency may stem from personality traits like antagonism or entitlement.

Childhood shapes contempt

If you grew up in a household where contempt was commonplace, you may internalize it as normal. Over time, contempt can become an automatic way of relating to people you love.

Contempt isn't always fatal

A relationship with contempt isn't necessarily doomed. Nearly all couples in therapy have experienced some contempt. But something has to change, or the relationship will end.

“A relationship that harbors contempt is not necessarily doomed.”

Take intentional timeouts

When either partner becomes flooded or shuts down during conflict, take a 20 to 30 minute break to let your nervous system calm down. Then return to the conversation at a specific agreed-upon time.

Learn to complain better

Instead of attacking character, use this formula: say what you feel, name the specific situation, and tell your partner what you need. 'I'm stressed the bills aren't paid. Can you pay them tonight?' works better than contempt.

Compliment regularly

Express admiration for your partner often. Compliment not just their appearance but their behaviors, ideas, and efforts. This counters the superiority at the heart of contempt.

Notice what they do right

Thank your partner for small things: filling bike tires, restocking toilet paper, remembering your favorite snack. These tiny acknowledgments prevent resentment about what they're not doing from piling up.

Get professional help

Contempt is often fueled by subterranean feelings that need to be surfaced and understood. A trained therapist can create a safe space to express resentments and teach healthier communication.