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Bryony Gordon: Real Problem Behind My Mother's Hurtful Acts
Bryony Gordon reveals the third party causing her decades of anger with her mother.
In brief
Bryony Gordon reveals the third party causing her decades of anger with her mother. Bryony Gordon realized her father's neglect, not her mother's actions, was the real source of her childhood trauma. Originally reported by Dailymail.
My mother's hurtful acts
I've spent decades being furious at my mother and planned to cut her off after these three hurtful acts.
“I've spent decades being furious at my mother and planned to cut her off after these three hurtful acts.”
Three hurtful acts
The time she suggested I was faking feeling unwell to get a day off school, when in actual fact I had appendicitis.
“The time she suggested I was faking feeling unwell to get a day off school, when in actual fact I had appendicitis.”
Her dieting habits
The fact she was always on a diet, too weak from existing on cabbage soup and Diet Coke to fight the patriarchal forces that told her the worst thing a woman could be was fat.
“The fact she was always on a diet, too weak from existing on cabbage soup and Diet Coke to fight the patriarchal forces that told her the worst thing a woman could be was fat.”
Her appearance
How she insists on looking glamorous whenever she leaves the house, while I look like a potato.
“How she insists on looking glamorous whenever she leaves the house, while I look like a potato.”
The Christmas vouchers
The Christmas she got my sister a voucher from Liberty, and me one from Amazon.
“The Christmas she got my sister a voucher from Liberty, and me one from Amazon.”
Therapist's insight
My therapist said I never seem to have anything to say about my dad.
“My therapist said I never seem to have anything to say about my dad.”
My father's role
My dad wasn't a problem because he was never really around; he was always away or working.
“My dad wasn't a problem because he was never really around; he was always away or working.”
The real problem
I realised the third party who was the real problem was my father's absence.
“I realised the third party who was the real problem was my father's absence.”
Kelly McDaniel's book
Kelly McDaniel advocates daughters cut their mothers off to heal from psychological damage caused by mothers working during the first three years of life.
“Kelly McDaniel advocates daughters cut their mothers off to heal from psychological damage unwittingly caused by them going out to work during the first three years of their life.”
The 21-day detox
McDaniel suggests a 21-day detox from mothers to heal psychological damage.
“McDaniel suggests that during the 21-day period, you give yourself the care and attention you were 'denied' as a child.”
My temptation
I've felt tempted to go 'no-contact' on my mum, but it wouldn't be healing.
“I'm not going to lie and say it hasn't sometimes felt tempting to go 'no-contact' on my mum.”
Why no-contact isn't healing
No-contact is punishment dressed as therapy and damages both mothers and daughters.
“It's the opposite. It's punishment, dressed up as therapy. And it's damaging not just to our mothers, but to ourselves.”
Parenting in the past
Most parents were doing their best with limited psychological tools.
“Most parents, no matter how badly we judge them now, were only doing their best at the time.”
Waiting for apologies
Waiting for apologies is futile and leads to self-harm.
“Waiting for apologies, I've come to realise, is one of the most futile activities known to humankind.”
Philip Larkin's quote
Philip Larkin wrote: 'They f*** you up, your mum and dad.'
“They f*** you up, your mum and dad.”
The real issue
The real issue is that mothers and fathers are both responsible for childhood trauma.
“But today it seems it's only your mum who is held responsible for how messed up you are, while your dad gets off scot-free.”
Self-forgiveness
Self-forgiveness is key to healing and understanding.
“The forgiveness you are willing to extend to others is always, always reflective of the forgiveness you are willing to extend to yourself.”
What happens next
I hope to apologize to my daughter when she criticizes my parenting.
“And when my own daughter grows up and inevitably decides to criticise me for some failure of parenting I didn't recognise at the time, I hope I'll be able to apologise.”
The one thing
Bryony Gordon realized her father's neglect, not her mother's actions, was the real source of her childhood trauma.
