From Dailymail · · 2m
Even a father you love can hurt you deeply: The secret signs you have 'daddy issues'
Women with 'father wounds' often chase success to fill childhood gaps in love.
In brief
Women with 'father wounds' often chase success to fill childhood gaps in love. Women who grew up with emotionally unavailable fathers may pursue achievements to compensate for childhood feelings of unworthiness. Originally reported by Dailymail.
Daddy issues definition
Daddy issues refers to emotional scars from a father who was absent, abusive or emotionally unavailable.
“Daddy issues. We all know the label and the kind of woman it’s meant to signify. Insecure and needy, she seeks out older men who will take care of her and fill the father-shaped hole in her psyche.”
Myth of the stereotype
The stereotype of insecure women seeking older men is not accurate for women with father wounds.
“Yet after 30 years as a psychotherapist, treating thousands of women who’ve had a difficult relationship with their father, what I’ve noticed couldn’t be further from that stereotype.”
Father wounds in successful women
Women with father wounds often have high-achieving careers and financial independence.
“The emotional scars from this dynamic aren’t reflected in the age of the men you choose to date, nor do they mean you look for a provider. Rather, ‘daddy issues’, or ‘father wounds’, the term I believe is more accurate, are more likely to be found in financially independent women with great careers.”
Core issue
Father wounds stem from childhood feelings of unworthiness that drive a need to 'be better'.
“Even a father you love can hurt you deeply, because a childhood of feeling unworthy of love leaves victims with an almost insatiable drive to ‘be better’.”
Psychological impact
Daughters with emotionally distant fathers show higher rates of anxiety and perfectionism.
“Indeed, studies have found that daughters who report emotionally distant or critical fathers show higher rates of anxiety, perfectionism and insecurity in relationships.”
My childhood trauma
Terri Cole spent childhood terrified of her workaholic father who rarely spoke to her.
“While my mother was wonderful in every way, I spent my childhood terrified of my father, Bill, a workaholic who had climbed the corporate ladder to senior management.”
Father's emotional neglect
Her father valued accomplishments over her inner self, leading to self-sabotage.
“A high-functioning alcoholic, he went through life as if I wasn’t there. He barely spoke to me or my three older sisters and we would scatter like cockroaches if he entered a room we happened to be in.”
Early coping mechanisms
Terri started drinking at 12 to manage her anxiety and self-worth issues.
“I started drinking at 12 to manage my feelings. I only stopped at 21, during my senior year at Long Island University, where I studied marketing, after a therapist I had begun seeing pointed out that drinking to blackout was not healthy behaviour.”
Career success
Terri built a successful entertainment career in New York with high-profile clients.
“I built an impressive career in entertainment, running the New York office of a talent agency, negotiating contracts for supermodels and celebrities.”
Relationship struggles
Terri attracted intense, unavailable men who kept her guessing.
“I was drawn to intense, unavailable and unpredictable men. They would come on strong, then keep me guessing. I’d feel under pressure to keep proving myself worthy of them.”
Therapy breakthrough
Terri realized she was using her father's coping mechanisms to escape feelings of unworthiness.
“Her question hit me in the chest. I realised I was trying to escape my feelings of unworthiness, which was how Dad made me feel.”
Father's death
Terri's father died suddenly of a heart attack in 1997 when she was 33.
“We spoke once a week (always a little awkward) until he died suddenly of a heart attack in 1997 when I was 33.”
Healing process
Terri learned to accept her father's complexity and her own worth.
“I finally accepted there was nothing I could have done to rewrite history, to change the man my father was, or have made myself more ‘worthy’ of his love.”
Long-term impact
Terri now helps women heal from father wounds through therapy.
“After my father died, I asked my mother what she thought had made him so emotionally shut down. She told me the story of Timmy Bradley, my father’s best friend and basketball teammate.”
Healing techniques
Women can heal from father wounds by writing down painful experiences and burning them.
“Writing down what happened and how you wished it had been is the first step here. Re-read it, feel compassion for yourself, then set fire to it somewhere safe.”
Father wound resolution
Terri found peace by accepting her father's complexity and her own worth.
“It had been out of my control all along. And I was born worthy.”
The one thing
Women who grew up with emotionally unavailable fathers may pursue achievements to compensate for childhood feelings of unworthiness.
