My wife is great but I hate the family cat

My wife is great but I hate the family cat. The blasted beast despises me and is trying to drive a wedge between us - but she thinks he's an angel.

“The blasted beast despises me and is trying to drive a wedge between us - but she thinks he's an angel.”

Rob Crossan's cat Satan

He is obsidian-black, obese, with a rodent-like tail that is wildly out of proportion to his corpulent frame.

Satan's two desires

Satan longs for only two things in life. The first is food. The second is my imminent funeral.

Cats domesticated themselves

Cats are one of the very few animals who domesticated themselves. Humans put enormous effort into persuading sheep, goats and cattle to do as we wanted.

Satan's name origin

He wasn't given that name when Emma first acquired him at six weeks old. Originally called Cookie, she felt he simply 'grew into' his new name through his devilish habits.

“grew into his new name through his devilish habits”

Satan's early hostility

When we first met, I elected to undertake a charm offensive. In those early days, I would come over with flowers for Emma and a tin of salmon and a ribbon for her cat.

Satan's reaction

Satan did not welcome my advances. Crouching on top of the fridge on my second overnight stay, he hissed whenever I made eye contact.

Satan's behavior

Emma eventually coaxed him down, only for him to wolf down the salmon, promptly throw up on the carpet, then push the ribbon under the sofa like a dinner party hostess shoving a gifted bottle of Blue Nun under the sink.

Satan's scratches

Whenever I went within paw range, he would scratch me. He is quite partial to spitting at me too, a habit he seems to reserve exclusively for my benefit.

Emma's perspective

I really wouldn't try any harder with him.

“I really wouldn't try any harder with him”

Emma's work

As it transpired, my then wife-to-be, working as a frontline NHS intensive care nurse in one of London's busiest hospitals, believed Satan was highly intuitive to her needs.

Satan's sabotage

His attempts to sabotage our nascent relationship included developing a highly intuitive ability to injure himself or go missing at the most inopportune times.

Satan's escape

One long-booked lunch at the storied River Cafe restaurant was cancelled when Satan decided to bolt out of the front door and sprint towards the A-road outside Emma's house.

Satan's return

He was found, hours later, attempting to rip a bin-liner open outside a house four streets away. I could have sworn he was laughing at me as he graciously allowed Emma to carry him home.

Satan's current behavior

Emma and I buying a house together and getting married has done nothing to improve my rapport with Satan. He sleeps on my bedroom pillow when I'm not there, then bites when I try to remove him.

Satan's destruction

He has jumped on my head from his favoured vantage point on the attic stairs and scratched my face. He even took umbrage at my vacuum cleaner, destroying the hose connection to the point where we are currently sufficing with a broom.

Satan's mail

While he leaves letters and parcels for Emma well alone, he uses anything addressed to me as an impromptu toilet.

Satan's resistance

Nothing, not calming medication, catnip, milk or toys, has brought balm to his rancour.

Satan's final stance

His mind is made up. My sole consolation is that Emma respects my stoic acceptance of his malevolent presence.