The question nobody answers

Is it worse to be alone or lonely in a relationship? Relationship expert Tracey Cox explores this deeply personal question through two very different women's experiences.

Ellen's unexpected freedom

Ellen's partner of ten years died unexpectedly at age 49. Though they got along, they were incompatible. His death felt like an enormous weight lifting.

A lifetime of relationships

Ellen had been married and in long-term relationships her whole adult life, never truly single. She suddenly wondered why she'd wasted so much energy trying to make relationships work.

Solo life felt like bliss

Ellen bought a modest place, got a rescue dog, and discovered she could eat what she wanted, sleep without snoring, and spend weekends however she pleased. She answered to no one but herself.

“Single, I could do whatever I wanted without having to ask anyone's permission.”

Still single at 64

Now 64, Ellen still feels the same way about solo life. Men have asked her out over the years, but she's not interested in relationships. She couldn't think of anything worse.

The skill of enjoying solitude

Ellen admits she's an optimistic person, but says the ability to sit with yourself and enjoy life alone is a skill anyone can learn. It's not about being naturally happy.

Women are more resilient

Ellen points out that men typically remarry quickly after their wives die, while women turn to friends and groups and build fulfilling lives. Women are far more resourceful than society gives them credit for.

Amy left for someone better

Amy left her husband at 35 because she thought she could do better. He had looks but wasn't ambitious while her career thrived. People kept telling her she deserved more.

The grass wasn't greener

After Amy left, her ex-husband quickly remarried and was inundated with women. Amy realized the grass wasn't greener and has been unhappily single ever since. She's now 52.

Success feels pointless alone

Amy's life is full. She has good friends, an interesting career, money, great restaurants, and glamorous holidays. But without someone to share it with, everything feels utterly pointless.

“What's the point of the great sofa if no-one is sitting on it with me?”

The haunting regret

Amy still sees her ex-husband through mutual friends. He's happy with his new wife. He knows she regrets leaving and looked at her with sadness that felt like pity.

Shame and loneliness

Amy feels deep shame about being alone. She wonders what's wrong with her that she can't find someone to share life with. She's too embarrassed to tell friends how lonely she really is.

Needing help with daily life

Amy is tired of doing everything herself. She can't reach buttons on the back of a dress she loves. She longs for someone there, for proof of life, for wet towels and a misted mirror.

A warning to others

Amy's advice to women considering leaving a semi-okay man: don't. She says she'll regret it for the rest of her life. Her friends who told her to leave were speaking from the safety of their marriages.

Get a dog for company

A rescue dog provides terrific company and is a great way to meet new friends. It gives your life structure and purpose while combating the silence of living alone.

Build a core group of four

One best friend isn't enough. Build a core group of four people who have your back. They could be workmates, family members, or friends. Variety matters for resilience.

Join clubs and groups

Joining activities like Mahjong, games, or clubs creates new friendships and gives you purpose. Even people who hate clubs often discover they love the social connection.

Ask for help without shame

Friends enjoy helping. Hire professionals like accountants, handymen, or therapists. Services like Task Rabbit exist for a reason. Getting help makes you feel self-sufficient, not weak.

Touch matters without romance

Physical touch is essential. Get massages, hug friends properly, take dance classes, pet animals. Skin hunger is real, but you don't need a romantic partner to satisfy it.

Find purpose, not just time

Have projects on the go. Redecorate a room, read books you've always wanted to read, study, track down old friends. Purpose doesn't have to be worthy. It just has to matter to you.