Rizz, briefly explained

Rizz is modern slang for charisma. The kids dropped the word about two years ago, and plenty of men are still saying it in silly shades.

“the word ‘rizz’ is modern parlance for ‘charisma’”

They follow every trend

Charisma means doing your own thing. A wardrobe assembled entirely from this week's drop says the opposite of edge.

“Being in possession of rizz means doing your own thing, not waiting for the delivery truck in the loading bay at Zara Men.”

You are not Harry Styles

Styles and Pedro Pascal have professional stylists. You are Mark the accountant, in a frilly shirt and beads, eyeing up a meal deal.

“You’re an accountant called Mark wearing a frilly shirt and beads while you eye up your Sainsbury’s meal deal.”

The bedroom DJ

His entire collection is one copy of Ghost Town by The Specials and a Donna Summer album his mum handed over when she switched to CDs.

Explaining the stylus

That does not stop him spinning his vinyls all night, or talking a woman through how a turntable works while she quietly considers leaving.

“mansplaining how a stylus works to any woman who is miraculously still awake”

The 1980s moustache

Men in their 20s and 30s keep growing facial hair that belongs on the Chuckle Brothers, then treating it as a personality.

“Why do men in their 20s and 30s have 1980s moustaches?”

Workwear, no work

The tache usually arrives with tough vintage Carhartt, worn by a man whose hardest labour was a logo for a kombucha start-up.

“even though the hardest work they’ve ever done was some graphic design for a kombucha start-up”

Save it for Movember

If the moustache is non-negotiable, grow it in November, raise money for charity, then shave it off like everyone else.

“If you must grow a horrible ’tache, guys, just do it in November for charity.”

The cap rule

A cap should come with a service attached, like delivering a sofa or pointing people to the exits. No truck and no baseball means no cap.

“Any man wearing a cap should be offering a useful service, like delivering a sofa or directing everyone to the nearest exit.”

Over 25 and capped

Past 25 the baseball cap stops reading as young and starts reading as Adam Sandler on a supermarket run.

“And if you’re over 25, you’re on the highway to looking like Adam Sandler.”

Actual rizz pours the drinks

The men who have it fill your glass, ask you questions and laugh at your jokes. It shows up as attention, not attitude.

“Men with genuine rizz will pour the champagne, ask you questions and laugh at your jokes.”

Aloof is not mysterious

The rizz-free version sits in glum silence all evening, waiting for someone else to take the bait and start the conversation for him.

“will sit in glum, aloof silence until you take the bait”

Then comes the guitar

When nobody bites he gets weird, angry and drunk, goes home and writes a heartfelt song about how everybody hates him.

“Everybody Hates Me May As Well Go And Eat Worms”

The mangle appears

A mangle is a man bangle. Leathery chain-link jewellery, stacked up the wrist by men holding on to the last scrap of youthful relevance.

“Older men who are clinging on to their last vestiges of youthful relevance love a bit of leathery chain-link jewellery.”

More LinkedIn than Linkin Park

The wrist hardware might have worked at a gig in 2003. At a sales conference in Slough it just looks stranded.

“they’re now more LinkedIn than Linkin Park”

The tote and the unread novel

The book inside the tote bag is a prop. He holds it open in a café and waits for a woman to come over and discuss Infinite Jest.

“there’s a book they haven’t read but they want girls to think they’re clever”

Born in the wrong era

He sighs that he was not made for these times, then buys the Picasso stripes, the espresso habit and a notebook for his Kerouac thoughts.

“‘I wasn’t born for these times,’ they’ll sigh”

Buy some rawl plugs

The coffee table book on French New Wave cinema will not hang a shelf. He is 45 and still cannot do it.

“You’re 45 and you can’t put up a shelf!”

Listen to the bald eagle

When the hair goes, shave it. The alternative is a comb-over or a sparse fright wig until death, or worse, a backwards baseball cap.

“Sometimes when the Bald Eagle crows you have to listen to its call and shave it off.”

The world's greatest cook

He really understands flavours and textures, which means frying potato waffles, plating fish fingers and putting frozen peas in a bain marie. He does not wash up.

“They fry off those potato waffles, plate up those fish fingers, and put the frozen peas in a bain marie.”