Not money, not success

We keep hunting for happiness in careers and bank balances. Psychology research keeps landing somewhere else: the quality of our close relationships.

“La principale différence entre les personnes heureuses et celles qui ne le sont pas, c'est que les premières se sentent aimées.”

The relationship seesaw

Harry Reis of the University of Rochester describes each partner sitting at one end of a swing. The more attention you show, the more valued the other feels, and the more they return it.

Lifting someone above the waterline

Parts of us stay hidden: our vulnerabilities, our needs, our quieter qualities. A real listen or a kind word raises the other person until those parts become visible.

“Quand nous élevons l'autre, c'est comme si nous le faisions remonter au-dessus de la ligne d'eau.”

Loved without feeling it

Plenty of people are loved and do not feel it. Reis says the usual mistake is trying to become more lovable, more impressive, more seductive, which often creates distance instead.

Seen, heard, understood

The feeling comes from being known, not admired. Sonja Lyubomirsky's work on happiness puts relationship quality among the strongest drivers of psychological well-being.

The phone on the table

Studies found that a phone sitting face down on the table, unused, still lowered how good a conversation felt. It holds open the possibility of being interrupted.