The empty nest temptation

After their youngest left for college, a husband looked forward to travel and freedom. His wife wants to move to the city where their daughter attends school to provide support.

The daughter is thriving

The college freshman is adjusting well and enjoying her independence. An aunt already lives in that city if family support is needed.

Why he doesn't want to move

Their home is paid off, he likes their neighbors and community, and the move would require relocating to another state. He doesn't want to become a parent who follows their adult children.

The advice columnist's verdict

Moving to be near an adult child is a very bad idea. The columnist recommends focusing the conversation on what's actually best for the daughter, not on the parents' preferences.

Three conditions for moving

Only move near an adult child if all three apply: the child asks you to, there's a compelling reason like grandchildren, and you genuinely want to live there.

“A "yes" to one of these is insufficient, yesses to all three are necessary”

The columnist's own move

The advice writer is relocating to be near her daughter and new grandchild after years of family discussion. She has multiple good reasons and genuine enthusiasm for the move.

A pregnant woman's fear

Expecting her first child, a woman is terrified she'll neglect either her husband or her baby. She wants an active plan to avoid repeating her parents' mistakes.

Her parents' tragic legacy

Her parents were so devoted to each other they had little emotional room for her. She lost both parents by age twenty-five: her mother to sudden death, her father to suicide.

Why she'll do better

Her awareness of what she missed as a child and her fear of repeating either extreme shows she won't repeat her parents' pattern. Consciousness of the danger is what prevents it.

“The fact that you are so conscious of what you were missing is what gives me this confidence.”

The key parenting question

When facing parenting decisions, ask yourself: Whose need is this? Yours or your child's? This simple question helps separate your own history from your child's actual needs.

“Whose need is this? Yours, or your daughter's?”

Your past doesn't dictate your future

Your parents' inability to love you as much as they loved each other doesn't mean you'll repeat that pattern. You can love both your spouse and child fully.

“Your past does not dictate your future, or your child's future.”

Parenthood is worth the fear

Being a parent can make your life infinitely better than you imagined. Even when it's hard and you make mistakes, it's an awesome and miraculous adventure.

The overscheduled five-year-old

A friend's daughter is in activities from six thirty a.m. to six p.m. daily and struggles with evening routines. The writer suggested downtime might help, but her friend disagreed.

The writer's own success

The writer's rambunctious kids improved their behavior when given more downtime and boredom. Both families are privileged enough to adjust schedules if they choose.

Mind your own business

The columnist tells the writer she has already overstepped by offering unsolicited advice. Her friend vented, not asked for guidance, and made clear she disagreed.

“You should absolutely mind your own business.”

Never give unasked advice

A key rule for advice-giving: never offer guidance you haven't been asked for. Don't make assumptions about other people's children or their needs.

“Never to offer advice you haven't been asked for.”

If asked, share carefully

If your friend had asked for advice, you could share what worked for your family while acknowledging every child is different and your approach may not suit theirs.