My boyfriend and I both had traumatic childhoods

My boyfriend and I both have very abusive backgrounds. He was in foster care and never knew his parents. My mother had affairs and would disappear without a trace.

We both struggle with mental health

We both struggle with mental health, and he has been going to a religious support group rather than see his therapist more.

He wants to have children to heal trauma

He has started talking about how it would be good for us to have kids and 'heal' the harm our parents did to us.

“heal”

We can’t take care of pets

We’ve had to give away pets because the pair of us couldn’t confidently take care of them.

Children aren’t for healing trauma

It would be wrong to expect your kids to fix your grown-up issues, and children aren’t for healing trauma.

He needs to listen to me

If he’s not an unserious person, do him the courtesy of taking him seriously, or as seriously as you can.

I should be clear about my feelings

You should be very clear about your own feelings and wants, but listening is not agreeing.

He might be influenced by religious group

I’m not sure, but it seems like you also believe the religious support group may have something to do with him rethinking children.

We can talk without agreeing

You can hear him, and ask that he hear you, and then maybe this will be something you talk about and work through together instead of something that drives you apart.

He might not know what he wants

He might not be certain of what he wants at this point, so you can help him clarify his thoughts.

Children could be triggering

Even if there were some healing aspects to raising your own children, it would also be hard and potentially triggering at times.

What happens next?

The writer will talk to her boyfriend about his concerns and set boundaries for their relationship.