From Slate Magazine · Laura Helmuth · · 2m
My Wife Wants a Certain 'Lifestyle' for Our Growing Family. It Would Make Me Miserable.
Partner seeks high-earning lifestyle but fears it will ruin their relationship.
In brief
Partner seeks high-earning lifestyle but fears it will ruin their relationship. A husband refuses a high-paying job offer from his brother-in-law to avoid financial stress and maintain family life. Originally reported by Slate Magazine.
Partner seeks high-earning lifestyle
My wife wants a high-paying job but I refuse to take a job offer from my brother-in-law who runs his own company.
“My wife and I are expecting, and we both work fairly reasonable and OK paying jobs.”
My brother-in-law offers job
My brother-in-law has offered me a job but I have refused because I prefer low-stress work.
“My brother-in-law has offered to bring me in more than once, but I have always refused.”
Wife's frustration grows
My wife has become increasingly frustrated with our lack of financial security compared to her sister's lifestyle.
“My wife has been increasingly falling into the rabbit hole over how nice her sister and her family live and getting frustrated with how lackluster ours is.”
Wife wants me to quit
My wife has repeatedly asked me to take the job offer and quit to be a stay-at-home mom.
“My wife has repeatedly brought up the subject that I should take the offer, and she could quit to be a stay-at-home mom.”
We had a big fight
We had a big fight when she called me worthless and selfish for not considering her career.
“My wife and I had a big fight when she called me worthless and selfish for not even thinking about it.”
Wife's sister's lifestyle
My wife's sister lives a luxurious lifestyle with no work and a full-time nanny and housekeeper.
“My wife’s sister doesn’t work or really do anything (they have a full-time nanny and housekeeper).”
My wife wants a different life
My wife wants a life partner who can provide financial security but I want to be a parent.
“She didn't want a life partner; she just wanted a paycheck.”
We are sleeping apart
We are sleeping apart now because of our conflict over lifestyle and career choices.
“My wife and I are sleeping apart now.”
My wife's career has value
My wife's career has value for her personal growth and financial security, not just for the family.
“Part of your case for both of you continuing to work should be that your wife’s career has value, not just for your family’s financial security, but because it’s stimulating, meaningful, and rewarding for her.”
Pregnancy challenges
Pregnancy brings physical and emotional challenges that require support and understanding.
“Pregnancy is uncomfortable in all kinds of ways you can’t imagine, and she’s facing the fear and danger of childbirth.”
We need to listen
We need to listen to each other without arguing to understand each other's concerns.
“You two are about to have a baby. This is the hardest and most meaningful thing you’ll ever do, sure, but right now it’s a lot harder for her.”
Family history matters
Family history can influence how we approach parenting and career choices.
“Having a child usually brings up family-of-origin issues, especially issues you hadn’t fully reckoned with before.”
We need to repair
We need to repair our relationship and focus on bonding with the baby.
“You don’t have to make any job decisions immediately. Both of you should take as much parental leave as you can, and focus on bonding with the baby and repairing your relationship.”
Wife's apology
My wife should apologize for calling me worthless and selfish for not considering her career.
“She should apologize for calling you worthless and selfish, of course, but don’t hold out for that.”
We need to be flexible
We need to be flexible about balancing work and parenting to support each other.
“Be flexible and creative about balancing child care with work hours.”
We need to talk about careers
We need to talk about career choices again to find a balance that works for both of us.
“When you do talk about career choices again, you might want to point out that continuing to work will give her more security should anything happen to you or (ahem) your marriage.”
The essence
A husband refuses a high-paying job offer from his brother-in-law to avoid financial stress and maintain family life.
