Eight years married, but condomless sex triggers dread

A man who grew up fearing sex now panics during unprotected intercourse, even fainting twice. He wants to satisfy his wife but feels queasy and hyperaware of every sensation.

The root is childhood fear, not physical sensitivity

The columnist suspects deep anxiety from being taught sex was dangerous. His hyperawareness during condomless sex is actually mindfulness, which he could reframe toward pleasure instead of dread.

“You are perhaps an extreme example of what believing deeply that condoms are a cure-all can look like.”

He already has a solution: keep using condoms

The columnist points out he's not like most men, and that's fine. If condoms work for him, they're the answer. The real issue is trying to meet an imagined standard of normalcy.

“You already have a solution. You are squeamish about sex without condoms, and so having sex with condoms is for you.”

Talk to a sex therapist about the anxiety

The columnist recommends therapy to work through the fear, but emphasizes the couple should also talk openly so his wife doesn't blame herself for his discomfort.

She wants to pleasure him, but won't let him touch her

A man's girlfriend refuses reciprocal touch during sex, saying his desire to touch her is coercive and inappropriate. She wants to pleasure him only, claiming it takes too much energy to receive.

Hard boundaries are her right, but she owes explanation

The columnist says it's okay for her to have firm limits on touch, but mutual touch is so standard that she should explain why she's changed her mind or set this boundary.

“Because mutual touch is extremely common and a routine part of the sex script of Western society, she owes you more of an explanation.”

He can't force reciprocity, but he can leave

The columnist rejects her claim that wanting reciprocity is "acting like a man." Ultimately, it's her choice what happens to her body, but he has the right to decide if this mismatch is workable for him.

“It is her right to be unbending here, just as it is your right to assess a doomed situation and run in the other direction.”

A bisexual man lied about his sexual history

A man told his wife he'd experimented with oral sex with one man, but actually had encounters with twelve to twenty men as a teenager and into his twenties. He's monogamous and committed, but carries the secret.

His wife made clear she didn't want to hear more

When he came out, his wife was only "fairly accepting" and clearly uninterested in discussing his experiences further. She found the idea of him in a submissive role unappealing.

Should he confess the full truth now?

He's wrestled with whether to tell her the real number of encounters. He doesn't want to hide things, but fears a confession years later will only hurt her and their marriage.

The columnist gives him a pass on the lie

The columnist says coming out is messy and sometimes involves lies. She argues that lying about details to protect a relationship is different from active deception, and he's given his wife the essential information.

“She knows about your sexuality without being vexed by the array of cocks you've had in your mouth.”

Full honesty isn't always possible or necessary

The columnist argues that some partners can't handle the full truth. There's a difference between leaving out details to protect happiness and actively deceiving someone.

“There's a difference between actively lying and engaging in deception, and leaving out details to make everyone's life easier and happier.”

Only confess if keeping the secret causes real stress

The columnist says he should only tell her if the secret seriously stresses him out or if he'd be actively lying by withholding it. Otherwise, let the past stay in the past.

“Only tell her about this if keeping it secret seriously stresses you out or if you'll be actively lying by withholding it.”

A woman in her mid-twenties feels sexually deprived

A woman engaged to a forty-year-old man says their sex life was intense at first, with hours of bondage and kink play. But for the past year, she's felt sexually deprived.

The intensity has faded, leaving her wanting more

What once involved hours of bondage and kink play has diminished. She's confused because they communicate well and trust each other, but the sexual connection has cooled.

Age gap and power dynamics complicate the picture

The age difference and the power dynamic of bondage create a complex situation. Her feeling of deprivation after a year suggests something has shifted in how he engages with her.

Communication is the first step forward

Despite their good communication, they haven't addressed this shift. She needs to tell him directly that she feels sexually deprived and ask what's changed for him.