A question about the unthinkable

A woman's sister, Hannah, asked her and her husband to become legal guardians of 7-year-old Troy if Hannah and her husband died.

Why she said no

Troy has intermittent explosive disorder and has had violent rages since he was a toddler. The letter writer has two kids under 6, one with special needs, and won't risk their safety.

“His frustration threshold is nonexistent.”

Called the last hope

Every other relative who could plausibly take Troy has already declined. Hannah got furious and told her sister she was the only one left.

“I am her "last hope."”

The guilt trip

Hannah warned that if the worst happens while Troy is a minor, it will be her sister's fault when he ends up institutionalized.

Stop trying to be understood

Michelle's answer: drop the goal of making Hannah see it your way. Being understood might soothe you, but it does nothing for her, and it's beside the point.

“You have every right to say no.”

Both sides were tactless

A simple "I wish we could, but we can't" would have landed softer than the full explanation. Though calling someone your last resort isn't diplomatic either.

“Both you and Hannah might try to practice a little diplomacy.”

What to say when she lashes out

Answer with a sorrowful "I hope that doesn't happen," then let her vent, even if it turns mean. Her problem is hers to solve. Also: retire the word "regular" for kids.

“Her understanding the reasons for your answer doesn't help her solve her problem.”