From Slate Magazine · Greg Lavallee · · 2m
Stay in your son's life, no matter what
A man faces an impossible choice: abandon his child or lose his pregnant wife. The advice columnist says there's only one right answer.
In brief
A man faces an impossible choice: abandon his child or lose his pregnant wife. The advice columnist says there's only one right answer. You cannot use children as leverage in a relationship. Abandoning your son won't fix your marriage and will cause real harm. Originally reported by Slate Magazine.
A separation, a hookup, a secret child
Four years ago, the writer and his wife Sarah separated. During that time, he got another woman pregnant. He didn't learn about his son until the baby was almost born.
They reconciled, but Sarah never accepted his son
The writer and Sarah got back together. He's been paying child support and seeing his son on weekends, but he's kept the boy away from Sarah to spare her feelings.
Sarah's pregnant with twins and demands a choice
Sarah recently learned she's expecting twins. She's now demanding he cut all contact with his son or she'll divorce him. He feels trapped between two impossible options.
“Either forget about my son or get a divorce.”
The writer considers fading out quietly
He wonders if it would be smarter to quietly disappear from his son's life so he can be fully present for his upcoming twins. His son is closer to his stepfather anyway.
The columnist says stay in your son's life
The advice columnist is clear: you should stay in your son's life. Fading out won't be better for him, and neither option Sarah presented is reasonable or acceptable.
“You should stay in your son's life.”
Sarah has never even met your son
The columnist suggests Sarah's ultimatum is easier to make because she's never actually met the boy. Start by showing her pictures to make him real to her.
“It's probably easier for your wife to suggest something so atrocious because she's never met your son.”
This is about control, not comfort
The columnist questions what kind of person uses children as tools to control others. Sarah may still be extremely upset about what happened during the separation and using this as revenge.
“What kind of selfish person treats children as tools to control others?”
Sarah needs to forgive you first
The relationship can't succeed until Sarah forgives you for what happened during the separation. The columnist recommends couples therapy and that Sarah seek professional help.
“Sarah needs to forgive you for what happened while you were on a break.”
Tell her you want to stay, but not like this
Explain to Sarah that you want to stay together, but abandoning a child is not the way to make that happen. This is a boundary you cannot cross.
“Abandoning a child is not the way to do it.”
The short version
You cannot use children as leverage in a relationship. Abandoning your son won't fix your marriage and will cause real harm.
