A mother's dangerous obsession

A wife who nearly died in childbirth now fixates on having a daughter. Her two sons ask why Mom doesn't love them anymore.

She idealized what she lost

The wife grew up with four brothers and lost her mother young. She never bonded with her stepmother and romanticized mother-daughter relationships.

Two boys, no more kids

The couple has sons aged 5 and 8. The last pregnancy put both wife and baby in the ICU, so the husband got a vasectomy.

Researching ways around reality

The wife looks up surrogacy and IVF right in front of her husband. She talks about how they could afford it with insurance.

Envy of her brothers

She repeatedly says she wants a daughter and laments how lucky her brothers are for having daughters instead of sons.

“My wife repeatedly says she wants a daughter and laments how 'lucky' her brothers are for having daughters.”

The boys are noticing

The sons have asked whether she wishes they were girls. They want to know why Mom doesn't love them anymore.

“Our boys have asked why Mom doesn't love them anymore, and whether she wishes they were girls.”

She refuses professional help

The wife won't see a therapist to deal with her gender disappointment. She says she doesn't mean to hurt the boys.

“My wife says she doesn't mean it that way, but she will not see a professional to deal with her gender dissatisfaction.”

The ideal doesn't exist

The husband grew up with a sister, and his mother and sister still fight constantly. He knows the fantasy bond his wife imagines isn't real.

“I grew up with a sister, and my mother and her still fight like cats and dogs.”

Try couples counseling first

Prudence suggests framing therapy as couples counseling focused on the marriage conflict. This might lead to individual sessions for the wife.

She needs to hide it

Even if the wife can't change her feelings, she must stop expressing them around the boys to prevent further damage.

The damage is already done

Just entertaining the thought that their mother doesn't love them has probably already taken a toll on the sons.

Affirm the boys constantly

The father needs to do whatever he can to convince his sons that they're important to both parents.

Therapy for everyone

The columnist emphasizes that this situation calls for professional help, not just for the wife but for the whole family.

A wedge in the marriage

The wife's addiction to an ideal that will never exist is driving the couple apart and destroying their family's happiness.

“This addiction to some ideal that doesn't and will never exist is driving a wedge between us.”