From Slate Magazine · Nicole Chung · · 2m
When your kid's friend is mean to her
A parent witnesses her daughter's new friend being dismissive and rude. Here's how to handle it without pushing them apart.
In brief
A parent witnesses her daughter's new friend being dismissive and rude. Here's how to handle it without pushing them apart. Listen to your daughter's perspective first, then trust her to learn from her own friendship choices while staying available to guide her. Originally reported by Slate Magazine.
A zoo trip goes wrong
Ella's new classmate Olivia came along to the zoo but spent the day dismissing her comments and making rude remarks. When Olivia called Ella "Four-eyes," the parent finally stepped in.
The daughter feels embarrassed
After the parent intervened, Ella yelled at them for embarrassing her in front of her "friend." Now the parent is unsure whether to forbid the friendship, tell Olivia's mom, or let Ella figure it out.
You can't control her friendships
Your daughter is dependent on you for rides and hosting, which gives you some leverage. But if she wants to be friends with Olivia, she'll find a way, even without your help.
Your real goal is influence
Instead of forbidding the friendship, focus on helping her learn to make healthy decisions herself. You have influence through listening, asking questions, and offering guidance.
Acknowledge her feelings first
Wait for Ella to cool off, then talk to her about feeling embarrassed. Don't defend yourself, just show you heard her and will think about it next time.
“Thanks for telling me that you were embarrassed. I didn't mean to embarrass you and I will think about it next time you're hanging out with a friend.”
Ask her about the trip
Gently ask how she felt about the zoo day with Olivia. Listen more than you talk. Resist telling her how you felt or how she should feel.
She already knows better
Ella has other healthy friendships, so she understands what good treatment looks like. Ask her what matters most in a friendship and which friends make her feel good.
Let her learn from mistakes
One of the hardest parts of parenting a preteen is stepping back and letting them make their own choices, even if they're not perfect ones.
Shift from rules to guidance
Over the next few years, move away from forbidding and rule-enforcing toward listening, advising, and encouraging good choices. This builds her trust in you.
Express your confidence in her
Tell Ella you believe she's kind, smart, and capable of making good friendship decisions. The more she trusts that you trust her, the more influence you'll have.
“I know that you're a kind, smart, wonderful person with good priorities, and I trust you to make good decisions about your friendships.”
The key point
Listen to your daughter's perspective first, then trust her to learn from her own friendship choices while staying available to guide her.
