From Slate Magazine · Arionne Nettles · · 1m 30s
When your parents let your brother run the show
An eldest daughter watches her brother wear out her aging parents, and gets told she's the one exaggerating.
In brief
An eldest daughter watches her brother wear out her aging parents, and gets told she's the one exaggerating. You can't manage your parents' choices, but you can decide how much of the fallout you absorb. Originally reported by Slate Magazine.
Healthy, but in their 80s
A woman in her late 40s has two active parents in their early 80s. Good care, good shape for their age, and a few complex conditions underneath it all.
“I'm blessed with two relatively healthy and active elderly parents in their early 80s.”
A week of babysitting
Her brother leaves his kids with their mom for a week at a stretch, and Mom encourages it. Then Mom calls every night, exhausted and aching, asking her daughter to come help.
“she's exhausted and her joints hurt and asks me to please come help”
Bar-hopping with cataracts
When the brother visits their father, they go out drinking and he lets Dad drive so he doesn't have to. Dad has cataracts. Suggestions of an Uber get waved off as silly.
“he lets my father (who has cataracts) drive so he can drink”
Told she's exaggerating
Raising it with her brother goes nowhere. He says she's overstating how frail their parents are, which leaves her alone with the worry and the cleanup.
“he tells me I'm exaggerating their frailty”
They get to decide
Arionne's answer: let it go. The parents are of sound mind, and no argument will change how they indulge their son. Change comes when they get fed up themselves.
“your parents are still of sound mind and can make their own decisions”
Limit the fallout instead
What she can control is her own part. Don't always drive over when Mom calls, tell her brother to take a turn, and bring in the doctors if health actually slips.
“What you can do is put limits on how you handle the fallout.”
The bottom line
You can't manage your parents' choices, but you can decide how much of the fallout you absorb.
