From Slate Magazine · Jamilah Lemieux · · 3m
Your son left his wife. You don't have to host his girlfriend
A mother of eight wants to take a stand at the holidays, and Slate's advice columnist tells her exactly how far she can go.
In brief
A mother of eight wants to take a stand at the holidays, and Slate's advice columnist tells her exactly how far she can go. You can respect an adult child's right to his own life and still refuse to pretend you're fine with how he handled it. Originally reported by Slate Magazine.
One son blew up the family
A mother of eight grown children and 15 grandkids writes in. Her son Paul, a father of three, announced he no longer wanted to be married, and nobody saw it coming.
“We were all blindsided when our son, "Paul," a father of three, decided he did not want to be married to his wife anymore.”
Nobody knows how to act
The siblings disagree with Paul's choice and find him hard to be around. Paul wants to bring his new girlfriend to holidays. His mother knows he deserves a life and still isn't ready.
Say it to him, not us
The columnist's first move is the plainest one: have the honest conversation with Paul. Tell him you respect his right to choose and that the change has been hard to absorb.
Cheating is fair to name
If Paul got involved with the girlfriend before the split, call it out. An adult's private life is his own, but harm he caused is still something he can answer for.
“Yes, it's his life, but that doesn't mean he can't be held accountable for doing harm.”
Not ready is an answer
She can tell Paul she isn't prepared to welcome a new partner yet. With this many kids in the mix, waiting until things cool before introducing a new "auntie" is reasonable.
“It's also OK to tell him that you aren't ready to embrace a new partner yet.”
You don't owe him comfort
No one has to work at making Paul feel good about his decision. He shouldn't have stayed miserable forever, but the timing of all this looks careless, and that lands on him.
“He has to sleep in the bed he's made.”
The ex is still family
Absent something terrible nobody mentioned, the daughter-in-law stays. She is the mother of the grandchildren, and reaching out to her is not a betrayal of Paul.
“You wouldn't be betraying Paul by extending yourself to her and letting her know that you're not happy about what has taken place.”
Build a gallery, not a landfill
A second letter: kids bring home four art projects a day. Pick one small spot, call it the Gallery, and let the kids vote on how long a piece hangs before it rotates out.
Archive it or let it go
When a piece comes down, it either enters the Archive box of true favorites or gets recycled. Frame it as space, not love. Photograph everything first.
The prank wasn't harmless
An 11-year-old edited the principal's door to read "Principal Littledick." Dad thinks it's hilarious. The counter: the kid may need a recommendation letter from that principal one day.
“It was a nasty prank, but it also was exactly the type of thing a kid that age might do.”
The big picture
You can respect an adult child's right to his own life and still refuse to pretend you're fine with how he handled it.
