5-Minute Friendship Check-Ins

Why friendship check-ins matter

Friendship check-ins help identify hurt feelings before they turn into resentment and support each other through changes.

“We have this expectation that friendships should be easy, that we should always be affirmed, that our friends are kind of there forever”

Therapist Nick Fager's advice

Nick Fager, a therapist in New York, encourages clients to do friendship check-ins: brief conversations about how things are going between you.

How to start a check-in

Choose a relaxed moment, on a walk or over coffee, and start by telling your friend how much they mean to you.

What questions to ask

Ask what’s working for you in this friendship right now to find out what you appreciate and what could use a little work.

Appreciation questions

Starting with what’s good gives you both a chance to feel appreciated and makes it easier to talk about anything that’s been bothering you.

Contact frequency check

Ask how you feel about your level of contact recently to find out if you’re both happy with how often you connect.

Revisiting past moments

Ask if there have been any moments recently between you that you’d like to revisit to address unresolved issues.

Changes in friendship

Ask how your friend has changed recently and how you can support them in that shift.

Supporting needs

Ask if there’s anything happening in your friend’s life that you can show up for to help them feel supported.

Goal alignment

Ask how you can keep each other on track for your goals to create meaningful shared activities.

Unique shared activities

Ask what you’d actually be excited to do together to find meaningful shared experiences.

Why check-ins work

Part of the challenge of modern friendship is being flexible and open to the variety of friendships we get to have.

The result

Friendship check-ins help friends express appreciation and address issues without resentment.