The dig that leaves you guessing

A colleague asks, "Going home already?" when you leave at five p.m. The comment sounds innocent but the tone suggests criticism. You are left wondering whether you have been insulted.

What passive-aggressive really means

Laurie Weingart, a professor of organizational behavior at Carnegie Mellon University, says passive-aggressive communication expresses opposition or anger indirectly. The words leave room for an innocent interpretation, but the tone does not.

Why people choose indirect language

Melissa Gluck, a psychologist in New York City, says some people have not learned how to express hurt directly.Admitting a feeling requires vulnerability that a sarcastic remark does not.

“Some people just haven't learned how to say or don't feel comfortable saying, 'I'm hurt. You hurt my feelings,'”

Testing whether you care

Levi R.Baker, a psychology professor at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, found that people sometimes express displeasure indirectly because they are unsure how much their partner cares.

Invite them to be direct

Weingart advises making your response more direct and less intense than the comment you heard.Brook McKenzie, a licensed chemical dependency counselor in Dallas, suggests asking: "I'm not sure how you meant that.

“I'm not sure how you meant that. Can you say it another way?”

Do not accuse them of being passive-aggressive

McKenzie warns that asking "Why are you being so passive-aggressive?"will likely end up arguing about their tone instead of whatever is actually bothering them.

With someone close, ask gently

Gluck suggests saying, "I feel like something's off.Do you want to talk about it?"This lets them tell you what is wrong without requiring you to guess.

“I feel like something's off. Do you want to talk about it?”

At work, ask for clarity

If your boss says, "Leaving already?"when your workday is over, Weingart suggests asking: "Is there something else you need me to do before I leave?"

“Is there something else you need me to do before I leave?”

When it becomes a pattern, be direct

If someone repeatedly makes passive-aggressive comments, Gluck suggests naming what you have noticed and how it lands: "This isn't the first time you've made that comment.

“This isn't the first time you've made that comment. It's starting to hurt my feelings, and I'd like to know if something's bothering you.”