From TIME · Nickademus de la Rosa · · 2m
The Race I Ran to Feel Worthy of Love
A former ultramarathon champion learned that winning races could never fill the void left by childhood neglect.
In brief
A former ultramarathon champion learned that winning races could never fill the void left by childhood neglect. An ultrarunner who pursued extreme endurance sports to earn parental love discovered through therapy that achievement cannot substitute for inherent self-worth. Originally reported by TIME.
Ultramarathons are booming
Ultramarathon finishes in North America have roughly tripled since two thousand ten, exceeding one hundred fifty thousand runners last year, according to UltraRunning magazine.
A runner's childhood shaped everything
Divorce and the author's parents' troubled upbringings made childhood difficult. His young mind concluded he must not be good enough the way he was. Love and care had to be earned.
Running became the path to love
At fifteen, the author watched his mother train for her first marathon.He believed he could win her affection by doing what she did.Later that year he finished the San Diego Rock n' Roll Marathon.
Extreme races followed
At nineteen he finished Badwater, a one hundred thirty five mile race across Death Valley in July.
The Barkley Marathons breakthrough
By age twenty he attempted the Barkley Marathons, a race so difficult only twenty people had ever officially finished in its forty year history. He finished in two thousand thirteen, becoming finisher thirteen.
Professional success masked deep fear
He became a professional trail runner, competing in two hundred mile races worldwide. But he knew that if he didn't win every race, the worthlessness he'd kept at bay would drown him.
“if I didn't win every race I entered, the worthlessness that I'd kept at bay for so long would drown me”
Heart surgery ended his career
In two thousand eighteen he was diagnosed with a congenital bicuspid valve in his heart and an aortic aneurysm requiring open heart surgery.His professional running career was over, and with it his path to validation.
Therapy addressed the root cause
He spent five years dismantling his self worth from sport through therapy. Intensive dialectical behavior therapy, medication, and an inpatient program addressed suicidal thoughts. Later therapies helped him trace childhood trauma back to his parents.
Running became joy, not proof
After recovering from heart surgery, he ran again at a slower pace.With support from his wife and a running coach, he entered shorter distance races he'd previously avoided for fear of losing.
A message to his younger self
Looking back with age and therapy work, he wishes he could tell his younger self at every race: I love you no matter what happens here today.There is nothing to prove.This is just a race.
“I love you no matter what happens here today. There is nothing to prove. This is just a race.”
The bottom line
An ultrarunner who pursued extreme endurance sports to earn parental love discovered through therapy that achievement cannot substitute for inherent self-worth.
