A friend confesses love

Your best friend told you he loves you a year ago. You rejected him because you were in love with someone else and felt no physical attraction to him. Now you're wondering if you should try dating him.

The appeal of the idea

He's shown you genuine love and support. After your recent breakup, the idea of security and appreciation is tempting. You wonder if trying might help you fall in love with him.

The rom-com fantasy

Movies sell the friends-to-lovers story as perfect: two people with friendship as a foundation, then romance on top. Real life rarely works that way, especially when attraction was never there.

Your timing is suspect

After a breakup, seeking comfort and intimacy is natural. But you haven't experienced an awakening of desire for your friend. You're considering trying to fall in love, which is different from actually falling in love.

Plato's ancient debate

Twenty-four hundred years ago, Greek philosophers debated what love really is. Their answers ranged from soulmate completion to becoming your best self to transcending physical desire entirely.

The soulmate theory

Aristophanes told a story that humans were once whole creatures cut in half by Zeus. We spend our lives searching for the one person who completes us. By this logic, don't date your friend unless you feel that deep longing.

Love as self-improvement

Phaedrus believed true love inspires you to become the best version of yourself. If your friend does that, you could justify dating him based on this philosophical view.

Noble versus vulgar love

Pausanias distinguished between vulgar love based only on physical attraction and noble love based on admiring someone's character and values. You could frame your situation as the nobler kind.

Schopenhauer's cynical view

The 19th-century philosopher saw romantic love as a biological trick to make us procreate. Your lack of attraction could seem rational and free from passion's deception.

But philosophy has limits

These theories can justify almost anything. The problem is your friend's real feelings and freedom matter too. Redefining love isn't a thought experiment when another person's heart is involved.

De Beauvoir on freedom

The 20th-century existentialist philosopher valued freedom above all. She warned against narcissistic love where one partner loves being loved rather than loving the other person.

Are you being self-interested?

You seem drawn to his interest in you more than to him. Pursuing this could rob him of finding a partner who genuinely wants him and rob you of learning from your breakup.

“It sounds like there may be aspects of the narcissistic relationship in your dilemma.”

Friendship matters in love

Many long-term couples develop deep friendship over time. But they also had undeniable attraction at the start. They didn't have to try to feel it.

When attraction emerges

Even in relationships that start platonically, if real romantic potential exists, the reciprocal pull emerges naturally. People don't have to manufacture it or work to suppress it.

“"And something, an infinite tenderness, stabbed me," Wells wrote. "It was a keen physical feeling, like nothing I had ever felt before."”

Friendship is its own love

If romance never happens, your friendship isn't a lesser relationship. Therapist Esther Perel calls friendships their own kind of love story worth nurturing and appreciating.

The real test

If you truly love him, you won't have to try. Real love doesn't require effort to feel. Focus on maintaining your friendship and finding someone you're genuinely drawn to.

“The truth is, for better or for worse, if you love him, you won't have to try.”