From Vox · Shayla Love · · 3m
Who are you when you stop performing?
People pleasing might just be a polite word for lying to yourself and others.
In brief
People pleasing might just be a polite word for lying to yourself and others. Decisions aligned with your authentic self bring more satisfaction than choices made to please others, whether you define that self through moral values or accept that it constantly changes. Originally reported by Vox.
Quick answers
- Does a true self even exist?
- Philosophers and scientists have debated whether there's a continuous, unchanging self. But here's what matters: believing you have a true self correlates with greater well-being and life satisfaction.
- What is the key takeaway from Who are you when you stop performing??
- Decisions aligned with your authentic self bring more satisfaction than choices made to please others, whether you define that self through moral values or accept that it constantly changes.
The people pleaser problem
You describe yourself as a joiner who adapts to others' ways of being. But your wife sees it as people pleasing, and you're wondering if it's time to change.
People pleasing is lying
Psychologists don't call it people pleasing in studies. They call it lying. Wanting to seem agreeable is the most common reason people deceive others in everyday life.
“a "message that one gives to another in which they are deliberately deceiving them."”
The cost of constant performance
When you hide your real thoughts and feelings, you create distance between yourself and others. Imagine discovering a close friend had been performing the entire time you knew them.
Does a true self even exist?
Philosophers and scientists have debated whether there's a continuous, unchanging self. But here's what matters: believing you have a true self correlates with greater well-being and life satisfaction.
Alignment brings satisfaction
Research by Rebecca Schlegel at Texas A and M University shows people feel more satisfied with decisions that align with their true self than choices made to please others or follow advice.
A simple experiment
When people framed arbitrary choices as guided by their true self rather than rational thinking, they reported much greater happiness with their selection. Just asking the question helps.
Start with your morality
When asked which traits feel truest, people consistently point to their moral qualities. Make a list of your best qualities like generosity or creativity, then use those as guideposts for decisions.
The Buddhist alternative
Eastern traditions like Buddhism offer a different path: anatman, or no self. This teaching says there's no rigid, unchanging essence to you at all.
Everything changes
We transform throughout life. Our bodies, minds, habits, and perceptions all evolve. The Buddha taught that nothing permanent can be found in any of these places.
“"What is impermanent, subject to change…cannot be taken to be 'me,' 'mine,' or a 'self,'"”
Impermanence relieves pressure
Accepting that you have no fixed self removes the burden of finding one. You're not a chameleon with a hidden true self. You're a person constantly becoming.
Two paths forward
You can frame your actions as serving your deeper self and moral values. Or you can stop searching for a fixed self and instead decide who you want to become.
Trust people with your truth
Start by believing that the people around you can handle your real thoughts and feelings. Authenticity builds genuine connection in ways performance never can.
The takeaway
Decisions aligned with your authentic self bring more satisfaction than choices made to please others, whether you define that self through moral values or accept that it constantly changes.
