# How to raise boys who aren't lonely men > Experts say rigid gender stereotypes learned in childhood leave men isolated. The fix starts with parents, teachers, and coaches. - Title: How to raise boys who aren't lonely men · Vox | Shortify - Summary: Experts say rigid gender stereotypes learned in childhood leave men isolated. The fix starts with parents, teachers, and coaches. Researchers say boys… - Keywords: boys, masculinity, male loneliness, gender stereotypes, emotional health, parenting, childhood development, judy chu, michael reichert, news, culture, raise - Source: Vox — https://vox.com/advice/504841/boys-socialization-loneliness-masculinity-vulnerability-friendship - Author: Allie Volpe - Published: 2026-10-02T11:00:00+00:00 - Read time: 4 min - Topics: boys, masculinity, male loneliness, gender stereotypes, emotional health, parenting, childhood development, judy chu, michael reichert, news, culture ## A researcher's discovery In nineteen ninety-five, gender studies researcher Judy Chu began studying boys aged twelve to eighteen. She found they felt largely unknown, caught between what the world expected and how they saw themselves. ## The rules of boyhood When toddlers enter school, Chu discovered, they learn the rules of boyhood. To be seen as a real boy, they must prove themselves and follow unwritten codes about how to behave. ## Girls got help, boys didn't American culture changed to address gender inequities affecting girls, empowering them toward autonomy and careers. But boys remain stuck in rigid gender roles, despite lawmakers promoting reactive programs. ## The numbers on boys Boys are less likely to graduate high school on time than girls. The suicide rate among men is nearly four times higher than that of women. Fifteen percent of men say they don't have any close friends. ## Young men feel unknown Psychologist Michael Reichert surveyed more than two thousand American men. Two-thirds of young men between the ages of eighteen and twenty-three felt like no one really knew them well. > two-thirds of young men between the ages of 18 and 23 felt like no one really knew them well ## Boyhood is failing Reichert concluded that boyhood is failing at its most important task. American society produces young adults who feel on their own, a tragic outcome of boyhood not preparing males for resilient lives. > boyhood is failing at the most important task ## Boys learn not to cry From early childhood, boys hear messages like boys don't cry, toughen up, and don't be a girl. Mothers fear turning sons into mama's boys and push them toward fathers and male siblings. ## Emotions fade with school As babies and young children, boys and girls are equally emotionally expressive. But by the time they start school, boys show fewer emotions and use less emotional language. ## Friendships drift apart Boys go from reporting best friends with whom they share deepest secrets to feeling drifted apart by the end of high school. They have learned not to show their need for affection or hide their sadness. ## Reframe masculinity at home Adults should not pit masculinity against femininity, says Christopher Reigeluth of Oregon Health and Science University. Confiding feelings in a friend and fostering platonic connections is not girly, it's a universal human need. ## Talk to them Michael Reichert has led an emotional literacy program in a boys' school for over thirty years. By twenty twenty-six, it became the most popular program in the school as students discuss daily stressors and learn that vulnerability benefits well-being. ## A high school senior's shift Chris Burnetta, eighteen, expressed emotions only on the field until joining Reichert's peer counseling group. Seeing older classmates he respected attend the group gave him permission to show emotions, an outlet he never had before. > looking up at people above you gives you a big impression and a big influence on how you want to live your life ## Make time to listen Matt Englar-Carlson, director of the Center for Boys and Men at California State University, Fullerton, says adolescence is when to engrain healthy social habits. Parents should have dedicated phone-free family time and listen without fixing problems. ## Talk in the car One easy way to encourage boys to open up is talking while driving. Not having to make direct eye contact can make it easier for kids to be vulnerable and share what they're feeling. ## Model vulnerability yourself If you're a man, lead by example. Be willing to share your own moments of embarrassment, disappointment, and sadness so boys know it's okay for them to do the same. ## Build friendships before adulthood Boys lose access to organized outlets for socialization in adulthood and slide into isolation or expect romantic partners to fulfill all social needs. Adults should help boys foster non-romantic intimacy and deep friendships while young. ## Online spaces can trap boys In the absence of in-person friendships, digital spaces provide attractive alternatives. Some online forums enable young men to retreat further, exposing them to misogynistic messages about hyperconsumption, materialism, and dominating women. ## Teachers can spot loneliness Teachers can recognize signs of loneliness in young boys like resisting authority and challenging boundaries. Using these moments to connect instead of reprimand helps boys feel heard and prevents them from internalizing a bad boy persona. ## A young man's transformation Michael Dean, now twenty-one, looked to his father and friends' fathers for how to be a man until joining Reichert's peer counseling program in high school. Hearing classmates' struggles gave him perspective and taught him to be an emotional outlet for people he loves. > I learned that that's not necessarily what it means to be a man, and I can make my own judgment through my own experiences ## It starts with boys Dean learned to be a man from formative adults who fostered safe environments for vulnerability. Now when lonely, he calls family, friends, or his girlfriend for support. This is the path experts hope all men feel empowered to take. > it's got to start with boys ## Key takeaway Researchers say boys internalize harmful masculinity stereotypes in childhood that leave them isolated as adults. Encouraging emotional expression and deep friendships from an early age could help.