# Three letters, one hard question about grief > An estranged friend dies, a birthday nobody wants, and a crush that refuses to quit. - Title: Three letters, one hard question about grief | Shortify - Summary: An estranged friend dies, a birthday nobody wants, and a crush that refuses to quit. When you were estranged at the time of a death, go through mutual… - Keywords: dear abby, advice, grief, estrangement, relationships, news, local, Three, letters, one, hard, question - Source: Chicago Sun-Times — https://chicago.suntimes.com/dear-abby/2026/09/11/dearabby-today-dear-abby-good-friend-passes-away-during-offagain-phase - Published: 2026-09-11T11:00:00+00:00 - Read time: 2 min - Topics: dear abby, advice, grief, estrangement, relationships, news, local ## Thirty years, many blowouts A reader in the South had a 30-year friendship with a man called Ben, full of ups and downs. Three years ago they had one of their periodic fights and stopped speaking. > My friend "Ben" and I had many ups and downs in our 30-year friendship. ## He died, nobody called Ben died about a year after the falling-out. The reader only found out recently, and no one from his life bothered to pass the news along. ## An obituary that says nothing The obituary turned up online but left out a cause of death. Ben was only in his early 50s, which makes the silence harder to sit with. > The obituary I found online does not mention a cause of death. ## The letter came back The reader wrote a condolence letter to Ben's widow. It was returned undelivered. She had moved away from the house she and Ben shared. ## Facebook feels wrong The reader found the widow's Facebook page but hesitated. Messaging a stranger online about how her husband died felt too cold for the subject. > This seems an impersonal way of reaching out on such a sober topic. ## Ask the mutual friends Abby's answer: work the shared network. Mutual friends can supply both the story and the widow's new address, and they can do it without ambushing her. > A way to find out the information you're looking for, including his widow's address, might be through them. ## Do it privately Approaching the widow online would land as off-putting and possibly hurtful, Abby says, especially given the two men were not on speaking terms when Ben died. > To approach her online asking for the details of his death would be off-putting, insensitive and possibly hurtful. ## A birthday he dreads A second reader turns 63 and has never liked the attention. His wife of nearly 38 years, their two sons and their partners are clearly planning something. > I would prefer that the day be ignored. ## Spend it on charity He would rather the money go to a good cause or back into their own pockets. His worry is that saying so out loud will cause bad feeling. ## Name the charity Abby tells him to speak up gently: tell his wife he knows something is planned, ask for small, and name the specific charity that should get the birthday budget. > Tell her you know something is afoot, and gently mention that you would prefer that the celebration be kept small. ## If the party happens anyway Should a big party materialize regardless, endure it with grace and a smile. The people throwing it are doing it out of love, not to torment him. > Remember that these people are celebrating you because they love you. ## A crush at work A married reader in Illinois has developed feelings for a co-worker of four years. They will not act on it, because cheating goes against their morals, but the guilt is heavy. > I'm not going to pursue anything, because cheating is against my morals. ## Guilt is doing its job Abby reframes it: the guilt is what has kept them from a terrible mistake. Crushes like this usually fade with time, even if the present feels uncomfortable. > Crushes like this usually lessen in time. ## A note to readers Abby closes with Rosh Hashanah wishes, a season of reflection and making amends. The column was founded in 1956 by Pauline Phillips. > During this time of repentance, observant Jews reflect on their lives and make amends. ## Key takeaway When you were estranged at the time of a death, go through mutual friends and go privately, not through the widow's Facebook page.