From TIME · Joan M. Cook · · 2m
Self-control is learnable, not fixed
Psychologists explain how to build the ability to delay gratification and manage impulses for a better life.
In brief
Psychologists explain how to build the ability to delay gratification and manage impulses for a better life. Self-control predicts academic success, job performance and healthy relationships, but is shaped by environment and can be learned at any age through practice. Originally reported by TIME.
Why self-control matters
People with good self-control have higher psychological well-being, more academic and on-the-job achievements, and healthier relationships. Low self-control contributes to substance abuse and impulsive buying.
The famous marshmallow test
Psychologist Walter Mischel conducted studies in the late nineteen sixties and nineteen seventies on delaying gratification. Children ages three to five were offered one marshmallow immediately or two if they waited twenty minutes.
What the test revealed
Preschoolers who ate the first marshmallow were less academically and socially skilled, eloquent, attentive, and not as good at managing frustration in adolescence. Mischel and colleagues followed the children over time.
Environment shapes self-control
Later studies with more diverse samples found that children's ability to delay gratification was more strongly related to parents' education and home environment. Self-control is not a fixed trait; circumstances greatly contribute to it.
Pausing breaks the impulse cycle
Angela Narayan, a clinical psychologist at the University of Denver, encourages adults to notice negative feelings and sit with them. The intensity passes with simple coping skills, allowing clearer thinking and better control.
“If you ride the wave of the negative feeling, as opposed to lashing out at someone, yelling at a loved one, or sending an angry email, the worst of it will pass and you will be able to think more clearly and have better control over what to do next.”
Impulses are temporary
When we recognize that our impulses are temporary, they become less powerful. Narayan teaches patients that engaging impulsively means giving their power away to intense emotions they later regret.
Bigger rewards come from restraint
If we immediately satisfy all our impulses, we miss bigger rewards. Creating psychological distance from impulses and staying focused on the prize means we get to respect our own behavior.
Self-control can be learned
Some people inherit genetic factors that make impulse control harder, but it is not impossible. Learning and practicing self-control is essential to leading a good life at any age.
The key point
Self-control predicts academic success, job performance and healthy relationships, but is shaped by environment and can be learned at any age through practice.
